Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
