I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
