Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize