Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
