Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
