So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
