its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
