I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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