you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
handjob tips. give me some.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
