yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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