goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Terrible idea I love it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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