phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize