You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
