I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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