No awkward lesbian experiences without me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
