Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it penis luge time yet?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
