planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
