bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize