Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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