If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
