The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize