it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
