i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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