I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
