On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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