well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
