I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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