I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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