You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
