Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
