i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My pussy is not your playground.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
