can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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