I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
