didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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