I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
