So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize