i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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