Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
