So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she smelled like a LAN party
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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