I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
