if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
