if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
