she woke up with a sticky ear
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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