Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
