Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
