The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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