I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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