i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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