I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Even my vagina gasped.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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