you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
