i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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