Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
whose parrot is this?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
