Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In other news, I just burned my penis
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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