i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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