I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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