Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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