i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
