Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
try to milk me bitch
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