I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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