I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
