i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
