I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
