my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
